Sadly, I have been branded a breakfast cereal heretic by my friend Jonathan, and Blues – who apparently does not agree with our “reformed” breakfast ceral beliefs – prefers more traditional, time-tested products such as Grape Nuts.
I am particularly disturbed by Jonathan’s outright denouncement of Cap’n Crunch because – as he claims – it gets soggy too quickly. True, like a good wine, this product must be enjoyed in its time. But if one is patient for about three minutes, while the milk begins to break down the cereal, and if one does not wait more than ten minutes, Cap’n Crunch is a sheer joy to eat.
I should also take this time to address the age-old argument against Quaker Oats, maker of Cap’n Crunch. In essense, it holds that the following three propositions cannot all be true:
1. Quaker Oats is a good and just breakfast cereal company
2. Quaker Oats has the power to make breakfast cereal that does not get soggy
3. Cap’n Crunch gets soggy
Since we can all agree that Cap’n Crunch gets soggy, we must conclude either (1) Quaker Oats is not a good and just company, (2) Quaker Oats does not have the power to make sog-free cereal, or (3) Quaker Oats does not exist.
Should there be a test of breakfast cereal fellowship? I think so. Here are the un-negotiables. If you disagree with these, you obviously don’t love cereal the way I do, and should spend all of eternity eating dry granola bars for breakfast:
1. Immersion. It is not enough to simply pour milk over the cereal. The cereal must be dunked into the milk using the back of the spoon before it is eaten. Sprinkling of cereal with sugar or sugar substitute is also improper.
2. Infant cereal? Infants should not be given milk with their cereal. Its too messy. When they reach an age of accountability, capable of understanding the consequences of spilling milk on their clothes and on the floor, they can be given milk. But not before then.
3. Fruit accompaniment. Some have adopted the practice of accompanying their cereal with various forms of fruit, which is cut and placed in the bowl. This sort-of thing is not autorized by the box label, which specifically states that milk may be put in the bowl with the cereal. Because the practice of accompanying the cereal with fruit is not mentioned, it is, by inference, forbidden. People who do this are not true breakfast cereal eaters.
4. The fate of cereal outside the bowl. As we all know, some cereal spills out of the box onto the cabinet or table when a bowl is poured. All such cereal is destined to be destroyed in the garbage disposal or thrown into the trash, where it will be crushed for all of eternity. Any teaching that such cereal will ultimately be returned to the box or to the bowl is dangerous. Otherwise, when making their breakfast, why would anyone take care to get as much cereal in the bowl as possible?
5. The acts of cereal eating. There are five acts of breakfast cereal eating: (1) pouring the cereal, (2) pouring the milk, (3) dunking the cereal with the spoon (see above), (4) eating the cereal, and (5) partaking of the remaining milk in the bowl.
I refuse to eat breakfast with anyone who does not share these beliefs.