Many thanks to Mike Cope for emailing me a copy of the Mother’s Book of Leviticus, which he shared with the assembled masses on Wednesday night during Oasis. I assume this was authored by Mike, though I don’t recall him making that claim.
Sheila and I thought this was hilarious, so I wrote Mike an email after I got home on Wednesday, asking him to post it on his blog. In response, he sent me the Powerpoint that was used during Oasis, which I have now converted to more blog-friendly text.
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:
If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, And you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in a high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet on the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given to you, neither use on it any utensils. nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or sister has done the same to you.
And though pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
Do not scream, for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand;
But I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say to you, refrain from screaming.
Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even not I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
Various Other Laws,Statutes and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub you feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, nor against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book.
Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.
Complaints and Lamentations
O my children, you are disobedient. For when I tell you what you must do, you argue and dispute hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I do not accede, you cry out, and hit and kick.
Yes, and even sometime do you spit, and shout “stupid-head” and other blasphemies, and hit and kick the wall and the molding thereof when you are sent to the corner.
And though the law teaches that no one shall be sent to the corner for more minutes than he has age, yet I would leave you there all day, so mighty I am in anger.
But upon being sent to the corner you ask straight-away, “Can I come out?” and I reply, “No, you may not come out.” And again you ask, and again I give the same reply. But when you ask a third time, then you may come out.
And you shall remember that I am that I am; before, after, and until you are twenty-one. Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O my children.