As I write these words, I am twenty eight thousand feet in the air somewhere between Dallas and Phoenix. I’m hoping to upload this when I reach the hotel tonight. [Note: as things turned out, I couldn’t get a connection in the hotel on Thursday night, so I’m uploading this on Saturday morning.]
As usual, I forgot to bring anything with me to read on this flight (Actually, not true – I have a commentary on Revelation and Kim Riddlesbarger’s A Case for Amillenealism sitting in my carry-on as I speak, but neither of those struck me as suitable pre-takeoff reading tonight, so I’ve left them alone thus far). As such, I have now had a chance to browse the offerings in Sky Mall, a magazine that caters to that unique, lucrative market that is comprised of those who are experiencing deplorable excesses of both boredom and wealth.
Here are a few offerings from the current edition:
– The Mademoiselle Haute Couture floor lamp. At $395, the stand for this floor lamp appears to be the smartly poised body of a sophisticated French woman. Not since the infamous leg lamp from A Christmas Story have I seen anything so gawdy. Bargain hunters can buy two of these for $750!
– The Sword of the King: Anduril. Actually, if you read the fine print, you’ll discover that it isn’t the sword of Anduril, its just a $395 knock-off, complete with wall mounting. However, from the looks of it, I believe that you can actually kill orcs with it, if you can find one.
– And while we’re on the same page… The One Ring. For the low price of $495, you too can be under the thrall of the Dark Lord himself! (Loyal Hobbit companions are also available for rent at $285 per day, with optional $104 damage waiver).
– Hairmax. The name says it all. For the measly price of $645 the folically challenged can own their very own LaserComb™, which exposes the scalp to low level laser light. Hmmm… focusing laser beams on my head to grow hair, huh? Probably not powerful enogh for me. I think I’ll pass on this one and hold out for the Microwave Oven Max and/or the Plutonium Reactor Max.
– The Orbitor electronic listening device. For those without preadolescent children (who are already pretty good at this), $69.95 will buy you the ability to spy on and record conversations at a distance of one hundred yards. Some free legal advice: Make sure your liability insurance is paid up before you start using this.
– A unique Sky Mall reservation at Zumanity, a Vegas show that is brought to you by the folks at Cirque De Soleil. In a twist on the typical Vegas show, the Zumanity producers promise an experience that is “slightly naughty.”
– The PC Tour game device. Plug this into your PC and load up Tiger Woods 2004. Then swing away at the golf ball that is suspended just above the surface of this device.Based on its built-in, space-age technology, this device will track your ball across any hole at Pinehurst, St. Andrews, and an assortment of other courses. Cost? $249.95. Not included is the $350 you will need to replace your monitor when you smash it with your club after slicing four balls into the water hazard at Sawgrass.
There’s more, but – after browsing through the catalog, Riddlesbarger is starting to look a lot more appetizing, so I think I’m going to call it quits.