Playing at Relationships

The other day I heard Leonard Sweet say something like this:

You don’t work at a marriage. You play at a marriage.

Yet another thought-provoking metaphor from Sweet. When you start thinking about relationships – marriages or otherwise – as something that you work at, you’ve already lost.

Work is difficult. You do it because you have to – because it is a responsibility in life. It is serious business. Ask anyone who is working at a relationship, and you will discover they aren’t finding much joy in it.

Relationships are acts of creation. We don’t analyze and manipulate them until they provide us with the appropriate functions and rewards. We infuse them with creativity, make them into beautiful things, and then find joy in that beauty.

Becca, my 8 year-old gets this. Working on a relationship is a completely foreign concept to her. She plays at her relationships.

So…who do you make music with in your day-to-day life? What does your favorite relational dance look like? What are your favorite conversational brush strokes?

And if you don’t know how to answer those questions, then take Sweet’s advice.

Stop working. Start playing.

Please! Fire me!

…especially if I’ve got perks like this.

Another sign…

…that evangelicalism will soon have run its course can be found here.

The Wonder of Worship

Last Friday, I had a chance to attend Great Vespers at the local Antiochian Orthodox church. For one hour, I became lost in a liturgy that (I’m guessing) traces its origins back to the early centuries of the first millennium. And I sensed the presence of God’s spirit more than I have in weeks, if not months.

I know, I know. Some of you wouldn’t have shared that experience. It would have seemed forced, stale, even boring. And I’ve been thinking about that a lot since Friday.

People meet God in a dizzying array of places. Some in liturgies, some in silence, some in acapella music, some through the stylings of modern rock. Some of us have a sense that he is present, speaking to us. Others never "hear" a thing. Still others come to know God when they serve the oppressed.

For the most part, these experiences will resonate with some of us, and they will be totally lost on others.

Is there something wrong with this?

I don’t think so. Instead, I think that God "comes at" us in many ways. I’ve come to appreciate beautiful things about God through the rigorous, systematic study of scripture. Others haven’t. But unlike me, someone else may touch the heart of God as a result of fervent prayer and worship in a Charismatic church.

The key, I think, is not to criticize each other, but to savor the richness of God’s revelation. We should celebrate each others’ experiences, even when we do not share them.

God’s spirit is present in any place where he is sought. The prayer of the moment and the centuries-old liturgy are both gifts from the Spirit. And we should not be surprised to find him present in either case.

Solitude and Community

From Parker Palmer (via Fajita):

But most of us in our daily lives exist neither in solitude nor in community, but somewhere in between. We sacrifice both form and content of truth. Seldom are we truly alone, and seldom are we truly in relationship to others. This is the vacuousness of mass society and mass education: our lives alternate between collective busyness and individual isolation, but rarely allow for an authentically solitary or corporate experience. In this half-lived middle ground, our solitude is loneliness and our attempts at community are fleeting and defeating. We are alone in the crowd, unable to touch the heart of love in ourselves or to touch others in ways that draw out the heart.

How true. To thrive, our spirits need both solitude and community. Yet, ironically, most of us find neither. We find ourselves in the middle of crowded cities, houses, buildings, and churches, yet alone – because we are not truly known by (nor do we truly know) those who are around us. And even when no one is physically near, an email or cell phone call is never more than a moment away.

What a tragedy.

God, grant us the peace that comes from deep solitude and the intimacy of authentic community.

If it Ain’t Broke, it Ain’t Getting Fixed

Lately, I’ve been wondering whether being “broken” – in an emotional or spiritual sense – is such a bad thing.

The biggest tragedies in life don’t arise because people have emotional and spiritual baggage. Everyone is screwed up in one way or another. The biggest tragedies occur because people are never willing to admit to, own, and deal with their baggage. They go for years and years, carrying it around, until it finally wears them down and causes an emotional breakdown or spiritual crisis.

Ironically, the first steps in being “broken” may seem like a step away from a spiritual or emotional health. But taking those backward steps may be the very thing that give us potential for long-term growth. (Richard – if you’re reading, feel free to insert a J-curve comment here!). The woman who quits going to church because she realizes she is a hypocrite is probably – at that moment – closer to realizing authentic faith than she has been at any other point in her life. The man who quits his anxiety-inducing, high income job to pursue his dream of sculpting may create a short-term financial crisis. However, he is probably – in the long run – going to be a better father and husband once he releases his burden of meeting other people’s expectations.

What we desperately need from our spouses, our small groups, our friends – possibly more than anything else – is “permission” to be our imperfect, true selves. In fact, for parents, it may be the single most important gift that we can give to our children.

After all, it is only after we are free to be broken that can healing begin.

Stand or Go?

I’ve been listening to an audio book of Leonard Sweet’s Soul Tsunami during my runs this week. In that book he poses a question that goes something like this:

Which is more important for the Church in the 21st Century? To say…

- "HERE is where we should take a STAND?" or…

- "THERE is where we should GO?"

It strikes me that every spiritual community in USAmerica, small or large, will have to answer this question. And our answers will determine whether we slowly fade away and die or whether we thrive.

at-one-ment

I’ve been reading parts of Scot McKnight’s new book A Community Called Atonement in preparation for a class that I’ll be teaching on October 21. In this book, Scot – whose blog is one of my favorites - introduces a perspective on “atonement” that I had never really considered.

By way of background, “atonement” is a way of talking about the work of Jesus. What is it that Jesus did in his life on earth and on the cross? Different Christians have dramatically different ideas, and there have been a lot of intense debates in recent years about which “theories” are reflected in scripture.

Scot says that most theories of atonement are inadequate. Atonement, he tells us, is about uniting things that are separated. Thus, we can think of it as “at-one-ment” – the bringing together of several different things as one.

But what things are in need of being “at-oned”? A lot, he argues:

1. Man is separated from himself. He has no proper, whole sense of self – no integrity, so to speak.

2. Man is separated from God. He rejects God and tries to live on his own.

3. Man is separated from his fellow man. He cannot live in peace.

4. Man is separated from creation.

Scot believes (and I wish he’d say this more directly) that most “theories” of atonement only relate to #2. They have nothing to say about 1, 3, or 4. “Atonement,” he says, must not only address the way individual people and God are brought together, but how all things are brought together.

Beautiful

Ever since I have known her, Sheila has wanted a tattoo. Well…its been a long time coming, but she finally has not one, but two.

On her left foot is the greek word karis, a word that is translated in our English New Testaments as “grace.”

And on her right foot is the greek word agape, which represents the purest, most unconditional form of love:

Together, they represent two ideas that are shaping the course of her life. They are, at once, statements about the nature of God and statements about her own calling.

During the last few days, I’ve been asked several times about whether I like them. And my answer has always been an unqualified “yes!” They are kind-of cool, kind-of sexy, and yet also appeal to the bible-nerd side of my personality all at once. I love them.

Plus, ever since Sheila told me what she was planning, a phrase from Paul’s letter to the Romans has been turning over and over in my mind. It is, simply, this:

How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!

Exactly.

Beautiful.

God and Compulsion

Lately, I’ve been wondering whether following God is always about discernment (i.e., finding the “will of God for my life”) and obedience (i.e., doing what I discover to be God’s will). As I’ve been asking this question, I’ve experienced a lot of scripture in new light. Several days ago, I posted a few reflections on a very interesting text from the book of Acts here.

Since that time, I’ve re-discovered another text. This time, it comes from Paul’s instructions to the Corinthian church on the subject of giving. Here it is:

Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God lives a cheerful giver.

What I’d never noticed about this instruction is the idea that God doesn’t want us to act “under compulsion.” For that reason, Paul seems to say, God leaves it up to us to decide how to give and what to give.

Follow this closely: God invites us to give, to be sure. But it is only that. An invitation. In the end, it is better for us to decide what we are willing to give, than for us to be forced into giving a particular amount. What goes on in our own decisionmaking, what we decide to give, is what God wants.

Does this work on other levels? Does it apply to the decision about the kind of home I buy and the kind of car I drive? To whether I take a new job or a new position at work? To the selection of the ministries in which I am involved? For a college student, does God care about the kind of job that he wants or the person that he would like to marry?

I’m not suggesting that we can ignore God’s mission and do whatever we want. I’m just wondering whether it is possible that God cares about how I want to go about it, about what role I might want to play in the mission. Does God ultimately, on every level, want me to give of myself in the ways that I purpose and desire? Is he always going to tell me what to do, or is he willing to join me as a partner in my decisions?

The longer I reflect on this issue, the more I’m coming to question the discernment/obedience approach to discipleship, and the more I’m coming to believe that God wants us to be active, willing participants in our life decisions.